


Mechanisms Unrepairable

by Cryosic



Category: Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Confessions, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Loss, Post-Endgame, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryosic/pseuds/Cryosic
Summary: Cal struggles with his decision to destroy the Holocron. Merrin struggles to understand why he did it.
Relationships: Cal Kestis/Merrin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	Mechanisms Unrepairable

Cal was watching the Sky. The Sun had just set over Bogano. He took it all in. Just the barest hint of light remained on the horizon. The golden rays morphing into swirls of orange, yellow, blue, purple and finally black. Scattered around the dimming sky were tiny pin pricks of light. 

He took a deep breath of the crystal clear air. It was so unlike Bracca. After five years there he had almost forgotten what clean air tasted like. Now here he was less than a year later and he could breath all the clean air he wanted. 

He felt her presence approach long before he heard her soft footsteps. 

“Cal? You should be resting.” He smiled at her tone, like a concerned parent.

“So should you.” He could feel her scathing glare even with his back to her. But they both knew it held no malice. 

“I am not the one who has been skewered by his own lightsaber.” He turned around putting a hand over his chest feigning pain.

“That hurts very much.” Her smile caught him off guard. It was so... genuine, not her normal cocky ‘I’m always right’ smile. He realized he wanted to always be able to make her smile. 

“Why are you out here anyways.” He thought for a minute. To be completely honest he wasn’t sure. After eating he had left the ship to watch the sunset. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t returned to the ship. 

“I never got to see stuff like this for so long. Then in the fortress I wasn’t sure I ever would see it.” She walked forward towards the edge of the cliff he was standing on. Her demeanor had shifted.

“You shouldn’t speak like that. I was worried we had lost you. When we first got back to the ship you weren’t breathing. Your heartbeat was just a flutter.” He breathed slowly. watching her expressions as she spoke. 

“Thank you for saving me.” She blushed slightly.

“You would have done the same without hesitation.” They settled into a comfortable silence. Watching the sky darken. The stars began to twinkle more as darkness enveloped the planet. He could see bright swirls of color from astronomic bodies. 

“Cal. Why did you destroy the Holocron?” Her voice was soft quiet. He let out a sigh.

“I couldn’t let those kids be hurt. It was better to leave them in the hands of the force.”

“But you always spoke of rebuilding your Jedi Order? Surely it could help the galaxy?” He looked for constellations he might have known while thinking. He realized none of it looked familiar the same time he figured she deserved an answer.

“Maybe.” So much for an answer. “But sometimes trying to fix something that’s broken isn’t worth the pain and suffering it would bring. Sometimes things can’t be fixed at all. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw her look down.

“How were you able to do it? Destroy the only thing that could bring your family back?” He realized what she was saying. 

“Would you have it? If it meant putting them in danger again?” She sniffled. 

“I don’t know if I could be selfless enough not to.” Her voice had taken on a sorrowful tone.

“I know it’s hard Merrin. Every day is a struggle especially after destroying the holocron. I feel like I let everyone down. I was supposed to fix it. Instead I just ruined the only chance of bringing it back.”

“Do you miss them?” 

“I miss my Master. I didn’t really know many of them. But he was the one who pretty much raised me. He was like a father. I would give almost anything to be with him again.” He could feel his throat tightening at the thought of his former Master. “We were taught not to build attachments. That they led to the dark side. After I lost my Master everything felt like it had no meaning. It was only survival. The world became so dark.” They were both fell quiet at his confession.

“Sometimes I forget what my sisters looked like. It felt so long ago that I lost them.” He didn’t need to see her face to know that tears were running down her face. 

He reached his hand out to hers hanging limply at her side. He gently laced their fingers together. 

“I want my family back Cal.” Her voice caught in her throat. He reached out to her shoulder and gently guided her into his arms. She followed without resistance and put her face into his chest. She shook quietly. A soft sob would escape her throat occasionally. He gently rubbed her back. 

He wasn’t all that experienced in comforting others in pain, but he couldn’t let Merrin go through this alone. Now when she meant so much to him.

After some time Merrin calmed. She didn’t let go of him though. They both watched as the stars crossed the sky slowly. 

“Merrin,” he paused unsure of how to continue. “Ever since you’ve been with us, the world hasn’t been so dark. There’s more to life than just survival. I know that attachments were forbidden to Jedi. But now I’m not sure what it even means to be a Jedi. Or if I even am one.” He noticed they ere breathing in sync. 

“When you showed me the Atrium. I felt your passion. I wanted to help you bring back your order because I couldn’t bring mine back.” She sniffled again. “When I’m with you I don’t feel so alone. I don’t feel like I’m the last of my kind. We’re survivors Cal. We survive together. Her arms snaked around him and she held onto him. He wrapped his own arms around her before he closed his eyes.

Sometimes, when things were broken. They made room for something new to be built.


End file.
